Perspective

Sometimes I wanna go start a commune with like minded people. I read things like the Obama birther nonsense and it makes me SO frustrated with the world, I just want to hit something. I go to Costco and am surrounded by hypnotized, slack jawed, self absorbed morons the entire time I am there, and I think what is wrong with humanity? Why are people so completely unaware of the world around them and how is it that they seem to not care at all? How can it be that there are people who still throw plastic bottles into the trash? How can it be that there are still people using plastic bottles?? I just don't understand. As the "kids" would say, SMH. I am SMH big time.

Has everyone seen Idiocracy yet? I really feel like it's prophetic and it scares the daylights out of me...until I turn on my inner apathameter and turn off my feelings. I wish I could do that more.

But I know if I started a commune, even with a rigorous screening process, there would be snags. There are always snags. I learned well from Lord of the Flies and Animal Farm that Utopia can only last so long, and then someone's head ends up on a stick. And honestly, as much as I'd love to go live on some sort of autonomous collective (without the King Arthur showing up and getting all bossy), the reality is that putting myself in a progressive, intelligent, earth conscious, not self absorbed, caring, loving, talented bubble isn't going to make the rest of the small minded, bigoted, narcissistic, selfish, idiotic world go away. It might even make it get worse, as a bunch of us would be missing from it.

So what's the solution? Doing our best to make good choices? Living by example? Standing on the street corner with a bullhorn, cattywompus from the dude quoting scripture every weekend, instead quoting all the reasons why we should be recycling, changing to greener energy choices, reducing our trash output, supporting the arts, having compassion for our fellow men and women, allowing consenting adults who love each other to have the same rights as other consenting adults, realizing that there but for the grace of whoever or whatever you believe in go you? I don't know. For now, I'm just blogging. Evidently that's my solution. I suppose it's easier than starting a collective.

Oh yeah? Take THAT.

There is a quote somewhere that says something to the effect of "The sweetest revenge is to live your life well", but more eloquent than that. I'd look it up, but I don't have time. I'm blogging. Priorities, people. You get the idea, right? I don't need to spell it out for ya....

I'm super excited. I just booked my first commercial where I'll be in front of the camera. I recently got an agent and went on my first 2 commercial auditions last week. The first one, I was put "on avail", which basically means I made it on the director's short list. It can mean nothing, as there are other folks on this list, and I may not get picked...but it's still very cool that I made the list. The second one went SO poorly that I walked out embarrassed, horrified, and with my tail between my legs. That one, I booked. I got the call from my agent today and will be filming it on Thursday. She's less than thrilled, as what they listed as the pay has been cut drastically, which they can do, since I'm not union...but she didn't really want me to take it. It's still more than I've ever made for one day of doing ANYTHING and it's an acting gig. So, yeah, I'm cool with it. And I'm pretty much totally geeking out about it.

But here's the thing. When I was around 12, my biodad and stepmother had a dinner guest. I have no idea who it was. I may have blogged about this before, cause it was a formidable event in my growing up and has always stuck in my memory. This dinner guest was making conversation with me and asked me what I liked to do. I said "I'm an actress", cause frankly, that was the only extracurricular activity I ever did. Ever. My stepmother later pulled me aside and told me I was NEVER to answer that question that way again. That I was NOT an actress, that just taking acting lessons and being in plays and student films and psa's that didn't pay and the like did not make me an actress, and it was misleading for me to tell someone that is what I was. I could say "I like to act" or "I do theater" but calling myself an actress was presumptious and incorrect. I stood corrected.

Today I was in the Social Security office, waiting for to get called in line to get a renewal card, and a man overheard me talking to my friend about getting this booking...when I got off the phone, he made eye contact and said- " Are you an actress?"

And I know it's just ONE commercial, and I know it's not even union, and it's not national...but you know what? I have an agent, and I am getting paid, tomorrow I'm going in for wardrobe, and this feels more "real" than anything I've done since coming back to this life...and now I feel pretty freaking ok saying it. Yes, I'm an actress. Take THAT.

Hide of a Rhino

Ethel Barrymore once said - "For an actress to be a success she must have the face of Venus, the brains of Minerva, the grace of Terpsichore, the memory of Macaulay, the figure of Juno, and the hide of a rhinoceros." I have none of these things.

Ok, well, let's break it down.

The face of Venus.
I get told a lot that I have "a pretty face" which, for those of you not in the know, is code for reminding me I do not have the figure of Juno. Now, whether or not said face is equivalent to Venus, I don't know. I like to think I have happier eyes than Botticelli's version. All of Botticelli's women look morose in person. But in the business of acting, having my face combined with my figure, well, it makes casting me hard. "Zaftig" girls (again, with the code) are supposed to be unattractive. I am (modesty aside) not unattractive. Not at least when I make the effort not to be. Wow, lots of negatives there but I think I got my point across. There isn't a lot I can do about the face...it's just there. In terms of acting though, it'd probably be better if I had a more "interesting" (again, code) face.

The brains of Minerva. Well, I'm no Harvard grad, but I like to think of myself as a decently smart cookie. When it comes to acting, I'm certainly in the know when it comes to general theater knowledge, acting awareness, character development, scene study, and the sorts of things you need to know to be an actor. I think of myself as a smart actor...I like having backgrounds and reasons for the choices I make, and I consider what I do when I am doing it. I know I can always learn more, and I may not have the brains of Minerva, I mean, she was born from a head and was a doctor, a war expert, a businesswoman AND the inventor of MUSIC. So it's a lot to live up to. In any case, I'm smart enough to know I could be smarter.

Let's hit the next 3 at once. Grace? Not so much. Memory? HA. Figure? Um, well, let's just say I've been the fat kid since the 3rd grade. I have a figure...but knowing full well what Ethel Barrymore meant, it's not the sort she was discussing.

The hide of a rhinocerous.

Working on it. All the time, working on it. I just got turned down for a role I've wanted to play since 12th grade. Again. In 12th grade, I got coached for several lunch periods from the director, trying to get me to be able to sing it as well as my competition. He wasn't successful, so neither was I. I will play the part one day, but next month in a production in my hometown with 5 of my friends, I will not. I moped a bit, but only within self allotted confines (I got an hour), and then moved on. So far in my "acting comeback", I've been told I'm too pretty, not big enough, and too young. Not terrible. But every time I don't get a part I audition for, it feels like a tiny failure. Silly in a profession where I won't get parts 99% of the time. Where there are 1000 actors for each part being cast. Where even if I am the best they see, they'll still cast the director's babysitter instead. I'm a little fearful about being cast in something where I get told the sort of mean things they tell people in this business. I want to be able to hear it and take it in stride, with that hide, but I know when it comes, it's going to sting. I signed with an agent 2 weeks ago and she told me not to lose weight. I got less competition in my size bracket, you see. But I have to take these things as tiny stings flung from well meaning bows...they won't actually injure me, they'll only annoy until I pluck them out and throw them away.

If I could learn to have this tough skin in my acting life, maybe then I could bring it to my regular life, where an angry email from one friend upset with something I said off the cuff put me in a bummed out, crappy mood for days. Where someone else's off the cuff statement about me can make me second guess all my choices. Where the kids consistently not wanting to eat my cooking makes it so I don't want to cook anymore. Then, after that is solved, I can work on that pesky world peace problem.