Popular

I was not a popular kid in elementary school. I was pseudo friends with one of the popular kids for a few years, but it turned out she was using me to do her bidding, and things ended badly. I started the elite, rich, white Catholic school in 3rd grade, when my mom went in and begged the principal to not make me be subjected to the dreaded busing happening in the public school system...and there I was. #61 in the 3rd grade, where the classrooms were only set up for 30 per. I was extra. And my first day of school was maybe their 3rd day, they had all been together since kindergarten, and I had no uniform, no religious training, and I was half jewish, and I was poor, chubby, melodramatic, hispanic, and the child of parents who were divorcing. Needless to say, I didn't really start off on the right foot.

There are horrific stories I could tell, but I can save that for another day. Suffice to say that I was physically and emotionally abused by everyone from the children right up to the principal for the entire time I was there, and it was awful. Six years of awful.

Cut to 6 years later, and I was graduating 8th grade with a bright future...my parents had promised public school. We had moved to a better neighborhood, and I was going to be allowed to attend the local school. I did well there, making friends I still have to this day, and I am not just talking about on facebook. I had the lead in the school play (despite being physically wrong for the part. Even after a summer at weight watcher's camp, I was unconvincing as a young girl being hidden away in an attic during WW2...but I was the better actor, so I got it), and was even voted "most loveable" in a non-sham "most polls" contest for the 9th graders at the end of the school year. High school was great too...lots of fun, lots of friends, and I enjoyed my Drama geek status which had me not in the "cool kids" group, but with plenty of friends (and, technically, my own kingdom) regardless. Being involved in the Y and Rocky Horror kept me social and busy and I didn't look back to the days of being the kid who would sit down at a table at lunch and have the whole table get up and move.

But that doesn't mean that the scars of that time aren't there...they manifest themselves in different ways. I am a people pleaser. I like people to like me. I don't like it when people are displeased with me. I have never had the "fuck it, who cares what people think" mentality, which I totally blame on the years I spent surviving at St. Pauls. I have gotten a little better over the years, but not by much.

So I have come across a situation where someone is displeased with me. And it is for something I did, kind of. And I suppose I could say fuck it, cause honestly the outcome would have not one bit of effect on my life, but I just suck at that, plus it is something I don't want to do. So I am feeling blue and annoyed and just totally unsure as to how to proceed. And this is the first time I have blogged about something like this in a public blog, so I feel very vulnerable...but I felt the need to write it down.