Me Me Me!

Lately, I've been having little meltdowns (on a more than normal basis) after my musical theater class. The last one was in front of my teacher, so to try to convince him that I am not a lunatic, I sent him an email. He responded with a very nice reply which of course made me break down again. I started to write back to him, but the more I wrote, the less like an appropriate email it seemed and the more like a blog entry it sounded. So I stopped mid paragraph and decided to write it out here. Thanks, y'all, for being free therapy.

I know I am talented. Sounds so conceited...especially in print...:) but I've always known I can act. I've been doing it since before I have memories, and I've always known I was good at it. It has always been the external things that have kept me down, so to speak. Body type, parents who aren't willing to take me to auditions or rehearsal, that sort of thing. The voice part has always been a struggle. Fifth grade, Ms. Sullivan's music class, warm ups...and my elementary school nemesis leaned forward and hissed "Ariella, you need to quiet down, your voice is terrible. Really, don't sing." Sadly, I kind of listened. I was still in the shows as long as I was at that school (til 8th grade), which were musicals, but I never sang out again. In junior high, I focused on just plain drama, and went to my high school planning on the same. I fell into the musical theater class to get out of doing PE, as was my option, and had the good fortune of being taught by 2 incredible people who absolutely kindled my love affair with the musical. I actually remember being asked by the principal, who was doing my schedule (it was a small magnet start up then), "You're here for drama, do you want to do Musical Theater Workshop as your PE requirement?" My response? "What's Musical Theater?". Heh. He explained that it meant Broadway Style shows, and being as I had been in plenty, and being as I had just come from a junior high where PE meant running around the giant grass field, I said yes straightaway.

High school was fantastic. I loved it a lot...I never made it into the smaller, fall productions, as I didn't have nearly the voice to compete with the incredibly talented folks who were favored by the powers that were, but I did do all the Drama performances, and I was in the larger Spring musicals as part of the ensemble. I knew that the director would have liked to cast me with a bigger part, but since I was unwilling to lose the weight he and the school counselor suggested I lose, and since even with him working with me my voice wasn't nearly as strong as the other girls with similar body types, I got ensemble. There are no small parts, only small actors, I was told repeatedly...and I took what I got and worked my booty off. I felt a little vindicated when I was the person he called the summer after graduation to fill in for a role in a show he was directing at a CLO...but it would have been nice to get some bigger parts in high school. Just sayin'.

One place I have always felt confident singing has been camp. When I was a CIT, I was singing a camp song during the slideshow we always had after the dance, and the now husband of the counselor I was paired with turned and looked at me and earnestly said "Share that gift, babe". I remember thinking it was odd, no one had ever complimented my singing before...and obviously it had an effect, cause I remember the moment clear as day, 20 years later. I often think about it when we are at campfire, and I am standing at the front of camp, holding the guitar books for the guitar players...especially on the first few nights, when everyone is still timid and unsure of the songs, and I feel like I need to sing louder to make sure they feel like they can sing too...I am taken back to that moment, sitting on the floor of the dining hall, a camper in each arm, being given that nugget of praise. Gift? I don't know about that...but it made me feel ok sharing it anyway.

When I got into UCLA, my fate was sealed. I wasn't allowed to apply to the University of Michigan, where I wanted to go to major in musical theater. I'm still bitter. UCLA's theater program was not well thought of by the teachers I loved so much, and they only had ONE musical theater class...so I didn't even bother trying to major in theater there. I had a nice run as RA of the arts floor in the dorms and we put on several shows over the years I lived in the dorms. I got to play Janet in The Rocky Horror Show...with my boyfriend playing Rocky, which worked out nicely...I got to direct A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, where one of the best compliments I got was from an ex who came to the performance and said- "Wow, I really thought this was going to suck, but it didn't! It was great!". I costumed Into the Woods, after a very stubborn me decided I would only be happy with one of 2 parts. Sadly, someone way more talented than me got the Baker's Wife part...deservedly so, and someone who was more convincing than me stole the Witch part from under my feet (later regretted by the directors). I'm still bummed I gave an ultimatum on that one, although I am still proud of those costumes... :) After college, I just stopped performing, unless you count karaoke...which I don't. All this time, I considered myself an actress who sang...not a true triple threat at all, since the dancing was certainly only passable. But I love musicals more than straight plays, so what do to? Just stop, I guess.

I fell into this musical theater class at Valley College pretty much by force. Another music teacher from my high school was chairing the Music department, and when my 2nd semester of piano was cancelled, he insisted that where I needed to be was the Broadway class. He signed me out of the pre-reqs and gave me an add slip. All I had to do was find a sitter. I am so thankful he did. It's made me aware again of how much I love being on stage. I am in shock that I kept away as long as I did, that I was willing to give that up. That was 2 years ago, and now, in my 5th semester of the class, I feel very comfortable getting up there and singing my heart out.

But here is the thing. It isn't a "voice" class. It's a performing class, so we discuss the performance, but he doesn't give us voice critique. It's great for me, cause I don't have a great voice. That elementary school nemesis aside (she's now my friend on FB and on one survey bemoaned the fact that she wishes she could sing...haha), I know my voice, and it's ok. It's not trained, it's not impressive...it just is. I am lucky that I can pull off a performance on my acting ability, and I can stay on key, and I sing with confidence...so those are all good things...but I am realistic about it. And usually, that's enough. But the last few weeks have been hard. I am singing a song that, put nicely by the accompanist, makes me sound like I am a worse singer than I am. Great. I am feeling frustrated and just plain sad that I don't have the sort of voice that I always wanted to have. I am pretty sure it's a phase and it will pass, but it means that I have been bursting out into tears after class, and feeling very down about it. I don't like feeling this way. I love to sing. I love it. When I was talking to my teacher, while breaking down, I said aloud something I had never even thought about before. I said it isn't fair to love something this much and to know that no matter how hard I try or work at it, it will never be what I want it to be. But there are worse things in life, and I am sure I will regain perspective. I hope.