Not Excited

It’s not that I don’t appreciate getting auditions.  I do.  I bend over backwards, change whatever schedule needs changing, make time, bend time, drive in ways that break laws, change clothes in the car…I’ll usually do whatever it takes to make the audition happen and happen well…even those times I don’t think I am right for the part for which I was submitted.

And don’t take my blasé, throwaway attitude regarding each audition that I’m lucky enough to land as me not caring.  I care.  I want that MOTHEREFFING JOB like a Texan wants meat (I’ve never been great at similes).  I obsess over what to wear.  I practice my sides like I’m about to perform Shakespeare for William himself.  I take more time to do my hair and makeup than I take in 4 days to get ready for the day.  I’m all in.  Game face on. Costume approximated. Lines learned.  Character considered (even when the character’s name is just “unkempt woman”.  And yes, I booked that one.). I really, really care.

But, also, I don’t. Yep. Contradictory. What gives?

I’ve spent much of my acting life on stage, in a theater.  My auditions, while varied, all carried similar amounts of going through the wringer.  I have sung songs I learned 5 minutes before to strangers 5 feet away from my face…I have performed choreography that I have NOT learned (no matter how hard I tried) as though I’m in the Alvin Ailey Dance company..all out, the right attitude, performance level (even if I’m making it up).  I have read scenes I have never seen before with strangers who are supposed to be my lovers, my children, my parents…and when I do any of these things, I see each time as an opportunity to play.  I get to go on stage and be whoever and do what I love and what I’m good at for a theater full of (almost entirely empty) seats and the production team and even if it’s just for a few minutes and even if I’m not ultimately right for the role, I am being considered and having fun and sharing my talent.

When I got my first few tv/film/commercial auditions as an adult, I was beside myself.  BESIDE MYSELF.  So excited.  I was also nervous.  Like, couldn’t hold my sides when I read for the part hand shaking nervous.  This never happens to me at theater auditions so I was perplexed by it.  I walked in to my first co-star audition, dressed the way I would dress for a theater audition…neutral, so they could see what I looked like.  Basic makeup, basic hair, knee length skirt, black top (fitted but not tight), neutral shoes.  I was the first one there, I didn’t want to be late…I found the casting office and as I was signing in, the casting assistant looked me up and down and said “Um, you know…she’s supposed to be white trash.  I mean, she’s nice and all.  But white trash.” I’m bright, so I realized right away what he was saying.  I was not dressed for this part.  I was supposed to be actually DRESSED for this part.  “Oh” I said.  “Thank you!”.  And I went to the waiting room, took as much of my hair to one side as possible and teased it up as far as I could,  then found the darkest shade of lipstick in my purse and applied.  Meanwhile, girls who knew the drill walked in looking like guest stars on Jerry Springer during Mississippi week.  I lived through the audition, sitting on a couch across from the casting director, then fled, having learned a good lesson.  Needless to say, I didn’t book it.

By my next audition, I was ready.  I was supposed to be a mail carrier, and so I cut off a pair of overalls until they looked like blue shorts, and wore a grey button-down top.  The other women there for the part were in black slacks and blue shirts, clearly there is a uniform for this…and I was slightly off…but at least closer.  The casting person was an ass, made me feel like an idiot, and I walked out of the room  after taping my audition realizing 2 buttons on my blouse had opened while I was doing my part.  I have never felt more “tail between my legs” as I did that day, walking back to my car…I was certain that I was making the wrong decision to do this “for real” again.  Then I booked it.   So I decided to keep trying.

Now I’ve figured out what you are supposed to do.  I read the articles from casting people saying please do this and please don’t do that, and sometimes I learn stuff and sometimes I’m pleased that I don’t.  I don’t get nervous anymore going to film and tv auditions like I did when I started up again.  I am finally looking at them like I’m playing I get to do at theater auditions…only it’s harder to do that when you spend 4 hours of your day preparing, getting ready for, driving, parking, walking, sitting, waiting…all for the opportunity to be one of 25 chubby redheads all hoping THEY will be the one chosen to say “Egg white frittata?” on that new cable show.  (That really happened.  Twice, actually, cause I got a callback. The first time was on 3 hours notice to get from Van Nuys to Hollywood, then I had to go back the next morning.  AND I WAS THRILLED FOR THE OPPORTUNITY.)

When I started this journey again, I decided I would NEVER stop being excited.  That I wanted to have SO MANY AUDITIONS that it’d feel like they weren’t a big deal, but I wanted to make sure I appreciated each one for the big deal that they are.  And excitement was the way to do that.  BE EXCITED.  But I’ve learned that there’s a better way to be.  Be thankful.  I’m thankful for each and every one of my auditions…but I’m not really excited about them anymore.

It’s hard to get excited, because excitement brings the dreaded hope.  Hope is never far away, mind you.  You have to have hope, otherwise WHY are you doing these ridiculous things to yourself?  But hope is scary.  Hope brings disappointment.  The more excited you are about something (What? I just got an audition to play Cam’s sister on Modern Family??)(Yes, I have great representation), the harder it is when that phone call doesn’t come.  So, I squelch the excitement.  I temper it with preparation and professionalism and poise.  But it can come off as blasé.  My mother in law asks me to do something for her and I can’t because I have an audition.  “WHAT!?” she exclaims.  “Why didn’t you tell me!!!” and I explain that it’s just a commercial for this or that and I hadn’t thought to call her and she admonishes me in the most supportive way possible, telling me that she would pray for me to get the part and I need to TELL HER…and while I adore her for it, it’s too hard to get excited for each audition like that.  I’ll tell her when I get a callback, or when I’m put on avail.  When it’s just a little bit closer.  When I can let hope peek around the corner just a little.  Just pray for me in general, I tell her.  I’ll take all the help I can get.